食卓で泣き崩れる(Broken Down at Dinner)

さっき、食事中、Leoにぶたれた。その後うつむき涙するLeoを見て、こらえる事もできず、ママ、Senaのいる前で泣き崩れてしまった。
At the dinner table, Leo hit me in the face and soon looked down and cried. I could not hold it but just broke down in front of my wife and Sena.

上手に食べれないから、食べ物がいたるところに。だから隣でアシストするのがパパの役目。
Foods scattered all over the table since he has hard time eating. So sitting next to him and help him eat well is my duty.

最近は横着というか、その方が楽だからだろうが、テーブルに落ちたのを口で直接食べようとしたり、口に運ぶ時も、スプーンを全く見ないで口に運ぶから当然こぼす。
It is not he is lazy recently but easier to put his mouth directly to the food. When he put the spoon in the mouth, he is not paying attention to it, so everything falls off.

だから、ちゃんと見てたべなさいと注意したら、普段見せないほど正確に右手でぶってきた。はっきりこう言っていた。
So I said, kinda strongly, "focus on eating more, ok!". Then he hit me with his right hand with a lot of effort stabilizing his body. He was saying in his heart:

僕だってちゃんと食べたくて頑張ってるけど、どうしてもできないんだよ！なのに、なんだよ！もういやだ～！しくしく、シクシク…
I wish I could eat properly and I am trying, but I cannot with my body. Why are you saying that knowing that I cannot move my body parts as I want to. It sucks! I just wanna cry...


今後も毎日がリハビリ。こういう場面はもっともっと増えてくる。親として、心を鬼にして教えていかなきゃいけないんだろうけど…

We will have more cases like this as more rehabilitation is required for him. I know I need to be tough for him as a daddy, but...

今日もできなかった。
I could not do it today...

というか、それが出来る日は来るのだろうか？
Or can I do it someday?

あのLeoの悔し涙を見て…
after looking at his tears...

一番毎日頑張ってるLeoの悔し涙を見て…
the tears of this little guy who tries everything and never gives up...

そんな事がパパに出来る日が…
Can I really do that?

正直自信がない…
You know, I am just not sure...